How to Steal a Heart

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? How do I love thee (I'll count the ways)? What level of debt adequately proves my heart's burning desire? These are the big questions rearing their heads over the course of February 1st to 4:59p February 14th (everyone knows you have until 5p the day of to pull something out of your ass).

I've seen all sorts of solicitations for bribing your loved one to fall madly in love with you. Jewelry (thank you DeBeers for your commitment to years of anthropological and psychological study to establish what truly makes a woman "tick"), crappy mass-produced floral arrangements thrown together by monkeys who would otherwise fling poo from an FTD shop "near you!" (nicely tossed into an equally crappy vase -- BONUS), and the newest testament of love with technological relevance: a CELL PHONE. Get one for you and her. Because you aren't connected at the hip enough already and everyone knows that punching a string of seven digits strengthens your love bond.

Oh oh oh...lest I forget the chocolate. Please do not forget the mandatory melt-in-the-mouth pure goodness, molded into bite-sized morsels and wrapped up in a purdy box n' bow. Of course, I use the term "pure goodness" loosely. In 2007, the Chocolate Manufacturers Association lobbied the FDA to change the legal definition of chocolate, letting them substitute partially hydrogenated vegetable oils for cocoa butter in addition to using artificial sweeteners and milk substitutes. I don't know about you, but my momma always said I needed to eat more veggies -- and now, thanks to chocolatier shortcuts, I can consume oil of vegetables in a tastier form. And it's only partially hydrogenated!

And here's more uplifting news for those still ready to hurl their Hersey bars out the window. In 2006, the FDA lowered (by one-fifth) the amount of lead permissible in candy! Of course compliance is only voluntary and while chocolate has one of the higher concentrations of lead among products that constitute a typical Westerner's diet, a 2006 review article stated that there is a "paucity of data on lead concentrations in chocolate products". Wheeeee! Bring on the chocolate fountain, I'm talking a bath in it.

Veteran V-day participants might be savvy enough to combine the flower and chocolate mandates into one snazzy gift sure to make her flail about with unbridled lust (oh, and love) with...you ready for this? Long stemmed milk chocolate roses! That's right, you read between the lines correctly: two birds with one stone, my friend. Best of all, these flowering professions of love don't wilt and can last as long as her will-power does!

And if you really love each other, with your newly purchased mobiles you can perform daily check-ins, ensuring her vital signs haven't diminished and she's free of any lead poisoning symptoms, such as retching, cramping, fatigue, and headaches (violent sobs are not attributed to lead but may be the result of a poorly-crafted Valentine). Because really nothing says "I love you" like the concern of a guilt-ridden boyfriend who may or may not have inadvertently given you lead-laced chocolate. Happy Valentine's Day!